Weird relationship with parents

As a child, I grew up trying my best not to become the person my mother was, or at least try not to turn into the evil I saw in her. Not saying that my mother was a bad mother, no. But as a child, who was yelled at, hit, a child whose mother forbade them from crying. A child, forbidden from crying. The only thing a child knew how to master.

My childish pain my innocent tears were punished, humiliated, laughed at, mocked, by my own mother. I never found warmth in her arms, neither peace laying on her lap. And in my childlike eyes, she was evil, pure evil. I perceived her as selfish, hateful, full of nothing but hate.

And I now know, that that is all indeed wrong, but how can you explain to an anxious 8 year old, that the same mother they had to hid from in the bathroom for almost an entire decade to release a muffled tight cry with a lump in my throat instead of finding that comfort within her, was indeed a loving one. How can you erase that from the memory of a child.

No you can't. Because these are the type of things that break you, mold you, and stay with you even haunt you for life.
-But all she did she did for us, and I forgive her.-

And as I was doing that, resenting my own mother, on the other hand, I just saw my dad as the complete opposite. He was an angel to my eyes, my savior, my home, the warm arms I went running into whenever I felt down. He was so sweet, so gentle, had the most loving look on his green eyes, the softest smile. He held me, tight, whenever I cried, gently drying the tears off of my face with his thumb. Everything I didn’t find in her at the time.

He used to patiently, answer all the questions and listen to all the theories that my curious childish little brain couldn't carry. A literal angel, that's what I saw in my father. He wasn't there a lot, he didn't know what I liked to eat, what my favorite color or tv show was, nor my friends or my funny daily anecdotes, not even what made me sick or what allergies I did have.

But little me waited eagerly for his arrival at the front door, which happened every few months. I still can recall it as if it was yesterday, it really felt like he lightened our little home, or at least, mine.

But that was ten years ago, and I am now more than a decade older than I was at 8. Even if it wasn’t intentional, he did nothing but ruin our relationship in favor of another, if it ever existed in the first place.
-And I don’t know if I’ll be able to forgive him for that.-